Last week during therapy, I came up with ways to give myself time for myself. You see, for almost the past year I have been traumatized while dealing with Truett's injuries, time and again. Having a tumor rupture which caused bleeding on the brain is a brain injury. Flipping over in a recliner which caused bleeding on Truett's brain is a brain injury. And I won't even mention Truett's fall at Vista, crushing five ribs and collapsing his lung three months ago.
Anyway, at one point during 2011, I couldn't think straight. I felt frozen in time. I would stand in one place in the house and not be able to move. I have not read a book since January 27, 2011. I cried uncontrollably, and sometimes in public places. I cried all the time. . . every day. . . every hour of every day, and sometimes still do.
In the meantime, I drove daily to visit Truett when he was at Shands Hospital or at the Rehabilation Hospital. I quit cooking. I can't even fathom fancy meals. All I do now is think, "Feed these people, clean up, and stop this day." Pretty sad, isn't it?
As the year 2011 drew on, I knew I needed psychological help. I didn't want a psychiatrist, a pill pusher. I needed to be awake, alive, and alert. I needed to talk to someone trained to listen to sad, sad tales so I wouldn't burden my family and friends.
I needed someone who says little, but someone who causes me to think about possibilities of regaining my life. Merry Jennifer referred me to a wonderful psychologist; and for the past several weeks I have found ways to regain my life, sort of. My life, as I knew it is not really regained because when you live with someone with a brain injury, your life changes drastically. Here is an article Merry Jennifer sent me and it is well worth reading about brain injuries and caregivers.
Well, now! Let's all take a deep breath and exhale and I will tell you what I am now doing for myself. I no longer go in the out-patient Rehab gym and push Truett in his wheelchair. He is now learning to push himself! YEA! I now walk out to the wetland area behind rehab and photograph hawks. YEA!
But today I did something different. Last week I put my right index finger to my lips and quietly said to my therapist, "And I may start walking." Of course, I didn't want to say it out loud because I am pretty out of shape and probably lazy and I didn't want to fail at a goal I had set for myself.
Yet, today I walked twenty minutes around the rehab park. Okay. Alright. On the way back, to the rehab building I stopped to purchase a Starbucks Mocha. But, I won't do that again because I felt guilty . . . once again. No. Next week, I will increase my walking and I WILL BREATHE!
So yes, I am setting goals for myself to deal with my new life. By the way, if I ask, "Can I volunteer for you?" I mean it with all my heart.
Thanks for listening.
:)
This post warms my heart, Mom. I want you to find yourself again, and this first walk might be the start of that. Baby steps, Mom.
Posted by: merry jennifer | January 20, 2012 at 05:05 AM
I can't even imagine how hard things have been for you over the past year. I'm so glad to hear you are remembering to take care of yourself along with everyone else in your life. Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Carrie Suvajdzic | January 20, 2012 at 06:35 AM
Bellissima! Journey begins with the first step.
Posted by: LivedinItaly | January 20, 2012 at 09:50 AM
Hawks and walks- learning to embrace the moments and make time for yourself to be "awake, alive and alert" is such a great thing. My best friend is living as caretaker of her mom and recently started her baby steps of trying to regain time for herself and talking with a counselor to help her process all that well of emotion and exhaustion. I quietly applaud her and send her many virtual hugs- I send these to you too.
Posted by: Anneliesz | January 20, 2012 at 05:31 PM