Today my mom and I went to get our yearly mammograms, better known by me as the smasher. Before you read any further I must tell you I may mention words that may be offensive to you; so if you feel the need to censor me right now, then click on MSN games and play solitaire or Scrabble Blast.
Mom
We arrived at DIG (Diagnostic Imaging Center), went in, and began filling out the usual paperwork which is such a hassle. As mom says, "I fill this same paper out everywhere I go. I don't see why I have to keep doing it." And I agree.
Question #1: When was your last menstrual period?
Mom's answer: How should I know.
My answer: After Susie Wright's.
I'm not going into all the questions because neither of us seemed like we remembered anything about our past, such as even when we had our last mammogram, so we made it up. We looked at each other and asked, "Last year?"
"Yeah, let's put that down." Seriously, we are both very conscientious about taking care of ourselves; but at 4:00 in the afternoon, we both had a hard time with the simplest of questions.
My name was called first, and I must tell you that at DIG you walk through tiny little hallways that twist and turn, a maze, if you will; and finally you are put in a tiny cubicle with two doors.
Truly, I am not afraid of a mammogram like I am of a shot in the gums at a dentist's office, but I do know I am about to have moments of severe discomfort. SMASHING for lack of a better word. My nurse made me feel real comfortable when she said, "Here. Let me help you. I know how to handle titties. I've handled over a million since I've worked here."
Now that's a reassuring thought and I say, "Give that woman a gold medal." The thing is, she only looked to be mid-thirties. Can you imagine putting breasts on plates and smashing them eight hours a day. Somehow I think by 4:00 in the afternoon they'd enjoy watching patients' faces contort under this torture.
What the nurse doesn't tell you is to take a big...big...BIG deep breath before she squeezes the clampers shut. So there I am chattering away like a nervous nilly when SMASH! It takes my breath away and then the good nurse politely says, "Now hold your breath and don't move."
Hold my breath? I have no breath left. In fact, I thought I would flat pass out. Four times! And no woman in her right mind would dare to move. That thing would take them clean off. But I'll tell you, the front smash isn't nearly as hard as the side smash. On the side smash I had to remind the good nurse that she was trying to lift stuff up that wasn't part of the breast. Eventually, all that ended.
Then I waited in the cubicle until a real doctor gave us the go-ahead. I heard someone outside one door say, "Mrs. George. The doctor is here to give you your results."
"Okay," I answer.
"Mrs. George."
"Yes."
"Open the door for the doctor."
Then I looked at both doors. Oh my. Which one did I come out of? Which one has a million $ doctor behind it? Finally, I figured it out and am fortunate to tell you that everything looked fine on my x-rays.
In fact, mom and I both passed the test with flying colors and celebrated at Red Lobster. One mammogram down and I'm sure many more to come.