bruise bracelets

I wear many bracelets on my arms.  They are bruises, unfortunately.  I wear long sleeve shirts when it is 80 degrees because I am embarrassed because of what I call my bruise bracelets.

I have been a caregiver of my mother and my husband since 2010.  It's been a hard road.  A road I never knew I would have to travel.  After forty-six years of teaching, caregiving took over my life. 

My 89 year old mother is easy to care for.  We only had a problem for about six weeks when she stopped taking her anti-depression medication; but we got that solved eventually by switching her meds.

Since January 2011, I have been the caregiver of my husband.  Things were fine until he took a couple of falls.  But that wasn't the biggest culprit.  Dementia has set it.  Over the past year, my husband has declared himself an invalid; and he has become one.  When he raises both arms in the air for me to put deodorant on, I cuss silently but do it.  When I have to wipe his butt because he cannot stand and do it himself, I cringe. But I've learned to accept that as well. 

I have had patience.    Every morning I prayed and asked for help to get me through the day.  Yet, when I looked in the mirror, I looked like a scared rabbit.

However, my husband's increasing dementia has caused me greater problems.  He cussed me constantly.  He was impatient.  He was impulsive.  He was  violent and has grabbed my arm so tightly that I permanently wear "bruise bracelets."

I've been told by my family to deal with it.  Put him in a nursing home with full health care.  My answer was always, "I'll do it when I know when the time is right."

Friday night was my breaking point.  Because my  husband couldn't hear with his hearing aides and  was impatient, he became violent.  "That's it!", I said.  "I cannot do this anymore."

So, I called 911 and had him admitted into Shand's Hospital and then he was transferred to Gainesville Health Center, a nursing home.

He pleads with me daily to bring him home.  I tell him I can't because of the mental and physical abuse caused by his dementia.  He doesn't understand.  I tell him I am a broken woman.  I need time to heal.  Eventually, he may come home, and maybe I will pay the price for full time health care workers.  But, I cannot do it any longer.  Yet, he doesn't understand.

I feel sooooo guilty; but, I can't keep on like it is.  I have been a caregiver for him, my 89 year old mom, my two puppies, my two cats and Clay.  However; Clay has been one of my biggest supporters.  He is driving again and driving responsibly, I might add.  It's been since 2010 since I have not driven.  Thanks, Clay.

Now, my biggest issues are trying to convince my husband that I have to re-heal before he can come home.  He doesn't understand it now even though I tell him over and over again.

I am a broken woman and it will take time. He doesn't understand it now, even after I explain it to him; but, I have to emotionally heal, first.

Prayers are welcome.

I'm tired of bruise bracelets.

 

Comments

[Nancy Collins]

You have every prayer I can send your way. I am deeply sorry for what you have gone through and think about you often. I admire your strength and courage.

[Alice Martin]

Merry, if anyone understand it's me. When my mother walked the streets of Gainesville at 2:30 in the morning we knew it was time for her to come and be with us. I "knew" that our love and lots of good food would make everything better. I was wrong. For almost a year we spent 24 hours a day, taking shifts as we cared for her. She cursed at us and would grab us to hit us. We had alarms on all the entrances in case she decided to leave in the middle of the night. I learned from you Merry, to keep a journal and I handed her doctor the daily life we lead. He decided for us it was time. I cried every time I left her and felt like the worse person on the face of the earth. No one can fully understand unless they have gone through this. I love you, my friend. My thoughts and prayers and love go with you today.

[Karen Blanchard]

I am so sorry to hear that you are having to deal with so much. I know that you have done everything you could and then some. Have peace in knowing that your decision is what is best for you, for your husband and for your family. He may not understand but with time he will adjust. You are all in our thoughts and prayers.

[Shirley]

Merry
We are sorry that you have to go through this. We support you through daily prayer and will continue to pray for you and your family. I am sure you have made the best decision for what your needs were. So don't continue to beat yourself down. I am positive you were a wonderful caregiver and have shown remarkable strength. May God bless ya'll and think of you often.

[Vicki Kuhlmann]

This walk is so hard. My husband passed away of Frontal Temporal Dementia 2 years ago. Their brain is gone and still they function and do harm. I too had to place my husband in a facility because he was a danger to himself as well as to me. He too wanted to come home and I was always told by the director of the facility and his Dr. that if I took him home he no longer would know his home. I told him daily when he asked to go home that the car was broken and I had no way to take him home. He accepted that and was ok with it. You must above all consider your safety and their strength. For some reason they seem stronger than when they were healthy. If I can be of help please let me know.

[D Brown]

Don't feel guilty. One thing I have learned in caregiving class is that you cannot have a rational discussion with a person with dementia. He will draw you into it, but he can't participate in anything rational. You have my prayers.
D. Brown